two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Randomize
