and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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