Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
