Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Green mimosas i think yes
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize