Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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