I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
