Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
