What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
