Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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