She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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