I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
