so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Non-Jews are for practice
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
