Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
My ass is underappreciated
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
