I cannot find my penis.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
