I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
