did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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