I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
