I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
