Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
