it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
