Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
