I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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