my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
