Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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