He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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