Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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