Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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