He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
