My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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