If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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