New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Randomize
