drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
