oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
