I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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