I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
