He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
