Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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