I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize