he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
