Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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