I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
