I got chris browned last night
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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