I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize