Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
