Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
