I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
