She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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