so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
