she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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