We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
