I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
