gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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