I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
i think i just lost a toe
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
