I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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