Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
