I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
