Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
