I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
