I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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