she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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