i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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